Listen

I am not a patient person. I want what I want and I want it now. I hate, HATE the word no. I hate waiting on people, I hate when the universe does not make things happen on my time. I know this about myself, I am aware when my inner toddler takes control and yet, I don't seem to have a good way of tempering this attribute. I try and emulate people that are calm. That seemingly float on the ebb and flow of life. It is beyond me. I rationalize it by telling myself that they go home and pull their eyelashes out one by one, or have secret jobs as phone sex operators. There is no way that they are normal.

But some are. People have different nervous systems and mine just seems to be on overdrive when I have to wait for things. I have been getting the same answer from God (and everyone else) lately. It's not about your time, life will happen in His time. The things that I want will come to me when I am ready to receive them. Once my ego has quieted down and I am ready to put others in front of myself. It is a lesson that I know I am learning every moment of everyday, but that doesn't mean that I like it. I understand but I am working to accept. I am catching myself more often. Not allowing the full demise into tantrum happen quite as easily. It still happens. The limits of my desire for control are boundless, but I am learning.

You can't control in love and that means that I am not ready for love. I am still fighting for the power to make it happen by my standards and until I can really, honestly surrender, it is not going to happen. I get that. But I love control and order. It is hard to let go. Breaking up with yourself is a rough thing to do.