Grace

Last week I was full of grace. I had grace coming out of my ears. I had spent the last two weeks embroiled in a state of confusion, self-doubt, anger and fear. I had spun my mind into a web of mass chaos to the point that I could hardly talk about what was going on with me without feeling like there was a fist closing in on my heart. This anxiety had much less to do with the actual situation that was occurring and much more to do with my perceived inability to give my problem to God and ask for help.

Finally, I "hit my knees" as my friend Liz says. I hit them and I asked God for help. Help me please to be okay with this. Help me to give this to you and to leave it with you instead of snatching it back every 10 minutes. Help me to trust you. And, he did. He gave me an answer that has helped me to live with my problem. He infused my heart with compassion and with acceptance. I am not going to lie and say that it is there every moment; it is not. I still try and grab it and run, but I know I have someone on my side who is going to make it okay for me.

I am trying not to plan so much. "Plant expectation and sew disappointment" is a quote that keeps coming back. Slow down, breathe, enjoy the moments of frustration knowing that without them, you dont know joy. My running coach gave us a mantra that i use in races all the time but I am finding that it applies to much of life as well. "It is going to hurt, the trick is not minding that it hurts". That is the grace. That is God working in me, letting me feel and know without coming unglued. I can be sad and grateful all at the same time. Who knew.