Meaning

My friend Christy posed a question over cocktails the other night that I have been thinking about for some time now; "Do you sometimes feel like your purpose on earth is to teach people things about themselves?" Yes. I feel this way all the time. My best friend and I joke that we have Florence Nightengale syndrome meaning that we pick the broken toys and fix them for the next girlfriend. The past two relationships that I have been in have been with addicts, and at the end of each of those relationships, the addiction was addressed and the man was restored. I dont have the illusion that this is solely because of me, but I do know that I changed their lives. I wonder if maybe that is why I am here on this earth, to not live entirely for myself, but instead to be a catalyst for change in others.

That is not as selfless as it sounds. When you change someone, it is enormously gratifying and gives a huge amount of affirmation. But I think I am getting tangled up in trying to solve the riddles of another soul while also trying to advance my own objectives. I rather like the idea of being someone who passes in and out of peoples lives, changing them and making lasting differences, even if I am not the one who benefits from them in the end.

I think we are all this kind of person for each other. I have also met people for a few hours, a few months, a few years who have singlehandedly altered the way that I look at the world. My friend Liz has been one of these people. She has changed the way that I look at love. the love between her and Mike is one that you can feel as soon as you enter a room with them. It is electric. I have decided that i would rather be alone than settle. I want to feel that feeling of souls being mixed. I want to be breathless when he walks into a room. I want to live in a world of big feelings, good or bad. Safety is what I needed after Nick, and now, something different.

There's beauty in the breakdown

It's weird in relationships how one person can be so sure that it is right and the other so sure that it is not. It's like what is the point in believing that there is one "right" person when, even if you can find them, they might not feel the same way. I have been on both ends of this equation and neither is an enviable position. But then sometimes you see it and BAM, 2 people who feel the same way about each other and meet in the middle, and then your faith is restored. Today I am comfy being on my own. It's the open road as opposed to the bell jar. It's universe versus caccoon. It's definitely more dangerous on the outside, but is there another way to live? Not for me, not today at least.

The Seeker

I joined a bible study group and... I LOVE it. Today God made me smile even though I am dealing with a bunch of ugly crap by basically making the entire lesson about what I am feeling... Imagine that, haha.

The opening began with a girl speaking about the values of trust, persistence and patience. I could not be less patient of a person. I want what I want now and when that does not happen, you better get out of the way. She talked about praying.

I pray. I pray for what I want. "Dear God, please let an amazing apartment for $600/month open in downtown Georgetown". That is certainly a kind of prayer that can be helpful... ask big, ask specific. However, the kind of praying that I need to get better at is the "Dear God, please bring me comfort while I wait for your will to unfold". We had a passage in ACTS from this week which says that God has made a time and a place for each man. I am on the road, everyday I am in my time and my place and waiting is actually my action for the day. Wait to meet the right person, to know yourself better, to appreciate what comes to you. Stop grabbing at every experience trying to make it a life altering one and just appreciate the life that transpires between these huge momentous occasions.

We also talked about Paul's journey to Athens and his encountering of the idols. What are my idols? The physical idols and the idols of my heart. My friend Jennifer had an enlightening answer.. and AH HA of an answer to what are the idols of today. 'Relationships' she said. Interesting. Relationships can be an idol when treated in an unhealthy way. So often we cling to other people. In Eat, Pray, Love the author describes clinging to a lover as if he was the last helicopter leaving Saigon. I think we have all, at one time or another, felt that way. I know I have. And that is a form of idolatry. The only thing that we should cling to with that level of intensity, is our relationship with God. At the end of the day, no matter what, that is the only thing that can not disappear. And, if that is the strongest part of your life, what an amazing sense of comfort that provides! The thing most important to you in the world, can never be taken away.

Today that message has kept me afloat. It has helped me to reprioritize things in my head. It has brought me peace in dealing with an ending relationship and the start of exploring the road ahead. No matter what happens, as long as I feed my relationship with God, I will be okay.

New Start, Old Territory

So I did it. I took what has been bothering me, grabbed it by the shoulders and confronted it. Do I feel better? One minute yes and one minute no. I hurt someone that I care about and that, quite literally, makes my heart hurt. Hurt like it is hard to catch my breath. Hurt like I wonder, maybe I can just deal with this and plow through it. But I know that is not the answer. I know that eventually it would cause more hurt. I know that this is the most responsible and respectful way to treat someone who has been nothing but wonderful to me.

I described it to a friend on our weekly run, 'it's like being served the most beautiful steak dinner after you have been craving steak all day. But then, when it arrives, and it is actually in front of you, you realize that maybe it is not really what you wanted after all. Nothing wrong with the steak, just not quite what you were looking for.' It kills me. It makes me wonder if I will ever find someone as good. Probably not. But what good is it to have the perfect person, if they are not perfect for you at this time in your life? I can not deny the fact that I have an overwhelming desire to be alone and to change. It is wrong to deny myself that. And even if I do it the rest of my life and never commit to anyone, that is okay too. I need to be true to myself and let the life I deserve come to me at it's own pace.

So back to DC we go. Back to my home of homes. Back to my family, my network, my people. Forever? I don't know. But for now, this chapter is closed and it is time to look forward to a new beginning in an old place. My heart hurts, but it is also still beating. New, fresh blood for a new fresh start.

Pulse vs Impulse

I am feeling impulsive today. I have been feeling impulsive everyday for about the past month. I don't know if it is that i am in the wrong place, or if i am having growing pains or if it is hormonal or what, but I feel like I need to stretch my arms, my skin, my soul. I feel like i want to pick up my life like a picnic blanket and shake out all the crumbs. I want fresh, light, new air.

But I am also a little afraid. I have a great life... why the sudden desire for upheaval? Where is it coming from? It is that I really need to change my life path or is it that I am running from growing up? I think I know the answer, but I am not quite ready to deal with it yet.

I have a dear friend with a room for rent in Denver. Is this fate stepping in telling me what I need to do? Or am I over-reaching? So far today I have committed myself to the San Francisco half marathon, the Pikes Peak Ascent, a 60 day bikram challenge, a 10 day trip to California and a dog. Maybe I need to slow down a little bit.

Sharing

Sometimes I make myself laugh. I take on HUGE projects, follow them diligently, and then desert them once the new HUGE endeavor crosses my path. My whole purpose for starting a blog was to figure out how to harness what I can offer other people. They say that you should do what you love in order to be successful. I have had a hard time figuring out, "what do i love?" I LOVE food. I love making food, eating food, trying new foods, messing with different eating styles. I think that I have a pretty good knack for intuitively knowing what flavors go together and making up some pretty freaking good recipes on the fly. I can also pick out items at the grocery really, really well. Meaning, that when I try a new food, or a new product, 9 times out of 10, it is awesome. I am spreading the word among my group of friends and that is something I can say that I LOVE. I also LOVE to work out. This is a weird one because it is not something that has always come naturally to me. Let me back up. I have always loved sports, but going to the gym? No thanks. In the past two years, beginning with yoga, I have found a way to make exercise an integral part of my life. I mix it up, try new classes, new methods and new ideas. I take what i like and leave the rest in a pile of 'not for me'. An ex-boy asked me once what I was passionate about and I had a really hard time answering. Not anymore. I am finding my passions, dusting them off and putting them back in the spotlight. The newest one? God. I am staring my first bible class on Wednesday and I could not be more excited. After having attended Catholic schools for my entire life and then moving into a very secular world, I feel the tug to get back into who I am as a spiritual person. New year, new projects, new passion.