Equanimity

I went to yoga last night. I knew that I needed the practice and it did not let me down. I had the type of practice where it felt like every word, every posture, was for me. We began with prostrations, bowing to the goodness that we have received in the past decade. 10 prostrations, one for each year in the 2000's. It has been a good 10 years overall. One that has seen a lot of change and growth. Both high school and college graduations, beginnings and endings of incredibly formative relationships and healing among family members who I had hurt and been hurt by. 2009 has ended in a difficult way. My aunt is dying. This is not something that I have had to deal with as I am in Texas and I don't see her with great frequency. That doesn't mean it is not happening.

We transitioned into a breathing exercise, pumping out old, stale prana and letting new, oxygen rich blood course through our veins, making room for change and new life.

I am moved by yoga. It speaks to my heart and I feel the postures opening not only my body, but also my heart and my mind. I have been running for the past 18 months and my yoga practice was sidelined. I don't regret it, I am exceptionally proud of my running accomplishments and I think i needed to step away from my practice in order to more fully appreciate all of the peace that it brings me. Our teacher left us with a Buddhist chant that I am still thinking about:

Through the working of Great Compassion in their hearts,
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness,
May all be free from sorrow and the causes of sorrow;
May all never be separated from the sacred happiness, which is sorrowless;
And may all live in equanimity, Without too much attachment and too much aversion; and live believing in the equality of all that lives. Namo Amida Buddha

Throughout my day, I invariably get caught up in details. "Why is this idiot driving so slow", "Why won't this idiot call me back", "Where is that stupid sweater".... too much attachment. It is not realistic to say that we can all be humble yoginis, floating around earth, free from attachment, but maybe we can try and monitor it. Maybe I can remember to breath into the frustration and move past it, just like I breath into a hip opener, or a side stitch at the track. I like it. I will try today.

Planner

I am the world's most hysterical planner. I like to know what I am doing, oh, about 10 years in advance. In some respects, this is tremendously helpful. I never run out of tomato sauce, I always have clean clothes and my appointments are all triple confirmed and made on days where I know I will still have time to get my work done and squeeze in a few miles on the lake.

In other ways, my planning kills me. I think about everything way too much. I am anxious, worried and over-stressed. I let things like art, creativity and spontaneity fall aside for more practical things, like organizing sock drawers and cleaning out the pantry... again. And i don't even have children!!

2009 was a rough year. Between a sick relative, a friend fighting for his life and some unforeseen financial disasters, I find myself in a place where I can not plan. I am fighting for order in chaos and I am tired. I feel the call to write, to open and to share. I'm not sure who I will tell about this blog, but it feels right to start it.

2010 will be a call to make peace with the unknown. To appreciate the artfulness, creativity and strength that blossoms when we are called into a place that is unfamiliar. I have a call at 10 and I am going to pilates at noon, but after that, no plans today!