Not Easy

I am not an easy person. I am not easy because I ask the most of myself and the most of the people in my life. I have huge expectations. I give more than I have and sometimes I am left exhausted and defeated. This is not a bad thing. It is not bad to aim high. It is not bad to be alone because I absolutely refuse to settle or to slide backwards. People are intimidated by that. Let them be. Let them choose easy roads. They are never easy in the end. I am confident, even when I am scared. I will make you love and hurt and feel and open. But I will never be easy.

Grace

Last week I was full of grace. I had grace coming out of my ears. I had spent the last two weeks embroiled in a state of confusion, self-doubt, anger and fear. I had spun my mind into a web of mass chaos to the point that I could hardly talk about what was going on with me without feeling like there was a fist closing in on my heart. This anxiety had much less to do with the actual situation that was occurring and much more to do with my perceived inability to give my problem to God and ask for help.

Finally, I "hit my knees" as my friend Liz says. I hit them and I asked God for help. Help me please to be okay with this. Help me to give this to you and to leave it with you instead of snatching it back every 10 minutes. Help me to trust you. And, he did. He gave me an answer that has helped me to live with my problem. He infused my heart with compassion and with acceptance. I am not going to lie and say that it is there every moment; it is not. I still try and grab it and run, but I know I have someone on my side who is going to make it okay for me.

I am trying not to plan so much. "Plant expectation and sew disappointment" is a quote that keeps coming back. Slow down, breathe, enjoy the moments of frustration knowing that without them, you dont know joy. My running coach gave us a mantra that i use in races all the time but I am finding that it applies to much of life as well. "It is going to hurt, the trick is not minding that it hurts". That is the grace. That is God working in me, letting me feel and know without coming unglued. I can be sad and grateful all at the same time. Who knew.

Go forth and set the world on fire

In yoga the other day Patty challenged us... who am I kidding, she always challenges us, but this time it was a mental challenge and one that has seriously taken me to task. She told me that I was full of BS. That what I do is for other people, not for myself. That everything is "look at me, look at me". Love me, praise me, tell me I am worth it. Bitch was right. I can't stop thinking about it. She specifically talked about posting things on Facebook; pictures, stories, quotes. We are trying so hard to create and sell an image to others. I am trying so hard to create and sell an image to others and you know, it is that very creation and maniac selling that keeps me from knowing who I am. I can do so much more when I refocus my attention on knowing myself. It is a really scary thing to do, I think mainly because most people do not do it. Most people get caught in the spin and live within a box of what is normal and expected. My brain asks why, how and is there a better way. Sometimes I dont listen and then I end up shattered and broken and wondering what in the world happened and how did I let myself lose what I know and value about who I am.

It is so hard to detach from what is considered normal but I just dont see another way of achieving what I know I can be. I dont see another way of letting myself grow and learning about what is underneath. I'm scared but the thought is there. I need to roll the stone around in my mouth before I swallow it. I know there is a bigger story for me and I am at the edge looking in.

Spinning Wheels

I took a few minutes last night to read through my old postings. I think I needed to remind myself of what I am doing and why. I was feeling defeated. I have been feeling defeated. I am trying to define myself so hard that I so often forget to stop, breathe, feel. I have also been really hard on myself lately. Constantly looking at what is wrong and what needs to be fixed.

I posted back in January to remember that monumental moments in life are few and far between. My 20s have been filled with so much change that everyday I find myself perched on what the next big adventure will be. My eyes are open and I am poised, but nothing is happening and I am frustrated. PATIENCE. Again, that ugly word. that lesson that God is trying so hard to get across to me. I need to remind myself all the time that part of transformative experience is reflection. I can not jump from one major life event to another and expect no fall out. I need to slow down, to enjoy the company of others, to excel in my job because these are the things that compose my life.

I have been spinning like a top for the past 6 weeks and I needed someone to slap me and slow me down, make me recognize (again) that life does not happen on my schedule. And, that even if it did, what is the fun in that? The most beautiful part of all of this is the unknown. It is the scariest part for sure, but it is the heartbeat. It is what makes me breathless in the best and worst ways. In yoga the other day our teacher shared a line from Barron Baptist.. "If you look for the sh*t, you are going to find it". I have been looking for what is wrong and I needed the reminder to appreciate and be grateful for what is right.

Did you ever look so nice?

EXPECTATIONS. Holy crap. I may need to work on managing my expectations. When I know what I want, I fully expect that everyone else will play by my rules. Lately? Not so much. Lately my ego has been getting some bruises. It's needed, I will benefit from it, but it hurts my feelings. It makes tears sting behind my eyes. It makes that bump in my throat show up. I haven't felt in awhile. I have been living in swaddling clothing, safe and sound and pretty dead inside. Now, I am a turtle poking her head out and NOT at all liking when the foot comes down. But I promised myself not to retreat. I promised this to myself 6 weeks ago when I got on the plane. Better to go and learn and cry and feel. Better be crushed and broken on the floor and alive. Security is a double edged sword.

Humilty

I am being taught a lesson. It is not an easy pill to swallow and I am working on accepting it, but it is necessary and I understand that. Humility. How do you remain humble while also knowing your self-worth and what you deserve? How do you show someone that you are worth more than they are giving you without coming off as demanding? I deplore dating. I love relationships and I love being single, but I am not great at getting to know someone slowly. I either immediately know that I am not interested or I fall hard and want everything to happen according to my agenda. I have been unfair to escape dating. I have let people believe that they could marry me when I have no intention of allowing that to happen. I have done it out of selfishness, out of fear and out of convenience. It is rude and unfair. I know that better now. I understand the ramifications. I have also gone from a walk to a sprint and have allowed people that I barely know to get deep inside and disappoint me. I thought I was clearing my ego out of the way be being vulnerable, but I am coming to realize now that I grip the steering wheel and jerk it left and right and then cry when there is busting glass and totaled relationship. I am bad at letting things happen and unfold in front of me. I am bad at giving someone else the reigns. And the weird thing is, I really like who I am and I know that other people really like me too, so what's up with the song and dance and the trying to maneuver all the time? Where is it coming from?

In Eat, Pray, Love, there is an awesome quote about getting comfortable with loneliness. Elizabeth Gilbert encourages herself to sit with loneliness, feel it, make a map of it. I am trying to get comfortable in a place of chaos. A place where I am not in control. Go there, dip your toes in. Get burned, get frozen out. It has got to be better than the cycle of false control and disappointment. Today, get humble, get vulnerable and feel your feelings. Let's not be so quick to run away from hurt, fear and discontent.

Listen

I am not a patient person. I want what I want and I want it now. I hate, HATE the word no. I hate waiting on people, I hate when the universe does not make things happen on my time. I know this about myself, I am aware when my inner toddler takes control and yet, I don't seem to have a good way of tempering this attribute. I try and emulate people that are calm. That seemingly float on the ebb and flow of life. It is beyond me. I rationalize it by telling myself that they go home and pull their eyelashes out one by one, or have secret jobs as phone sex operators. There is no way that they are normal.

But some are. People have different nervous systems and mine just seems to be on overdrive when I have to wait for things. I have been getting the same answer from God (and everyone else) lately. It's not about your time, life will happen in His time. The things that I want will come to me when I am ready to receive them. Once my ego has quieted down and I am ready to put others in front of myself. It is a lesson that I know I am learning every moment of everyday, but that doesn't mean that I like it. I understand but I am working to accept. I am catching myself more often. Not allowing the full demise into tantrum happen quite as easily. It still happens. The limits of my desire for control are boundless, but I am learning.

You can't control in love and that means that I am not ready for love. I am still fighting for the power to make it happen by my standards and until I can really, honestly surrender, it is not going to happen. I get that. But I love control and order. It is hard to let go. Breaking up with yourself is a rough thing to do.