New Start, Old Territory

So I did it. I took what has been bothering me, grabbed it by the shoulders and confronted it. Do I feel better? One minute yes and one minute no. I hurt someone that I care about and that, quite literally, makes my heart hurt. Hurt like it is hard to catch my breath. Hurt like I wonder, maybe I can just deal with this and plow through it. But I know that is not the answer. I know that eventually it would cause more hurt. I know that this is the most responsible and respectful way to treat someone who has been nothing but wonderful to me.

I described it to a friend on our weekly run, 'it's like being served the most beautiful steak dinner after you have been craving steak all day. But then, when it arrives, and it is actually in front of you, you realize that maybe it is not really what you wanted after all. Nothing wrong with the steak, just not quite what you were looking for.' It kills me. It makes me wonder if I will ever find someone as good. Probably not. But what good is it to have the perfect person, if they are not perfect for you at this time in your life? I can not deny the fact that I have an overwhelming desire to be alone and to change. It is wrong to deny myself that. And even if I do it the rest of my life and never commit to anyone, that is okay too. I need to be true to myself and let the life I deserve come to me at it's own pace.

So back to DC we go. Back to my home of homes. Back to my family, my network, my people. Forever? I don't know. But for now, this chapter is closed and it is time to look forward to a new beginning in an old place. My heart hurts, but it is also still beating. New, fresh blood for a new fresh start.